Friday, 8 February 2013

Odd one out





You would think because my youngest boys are twins they would never be short of a friend.  Which in a way is true, but most of the time they prefer the company of friends from school.  This would be fine if it were not for the fact that both boys have developed friendships which include two other boys and the twins each seem to be the "third" friend in each the relationship.

I remember this type of friendship well from my own schooldays.  It would always end with one person not included in one way or another, usually with the "popular" child moving between the other two as they saw fit.  Arguments, jealousies and fall outs were common.

This week I have had to try to answer questions from both boys asking why they never get invited to their "friends" homes when the other boys see each other for tea after school, sleepovers and day trips out.

I try to answer best I can but am finding it increasingly difficult to explain to them why this might be happening.  I don't want to hurt their feelings and it breaks my heart to see them cry because they don't understand.

Today after another particularly upsetting episode where  one twin stood outside his friends house shouting his name because where he knew the two other boys had a play date, I angrily called him away.  I was embarrassed.

  Like many people I suppose I am insecure myself and try hard to be a nice person although I am well aware I can be curt and sharp with people at times.  I want my boys to be liked and it breaks my heart to think they are not wanted as friends.  So  I told them that actually it was probably me their mummies didn't like and not them at all.

"Well you need to get a pretty face then and then our friends will like us best".

No answer to that really.

Any advice would be really appreciated.


7 comments:

  1. I too understand this. I grew up in a group of three and never fit. Always second best, always the one called on if the other couldn't. Mini is the same at the moment at school, but things will be changing as one of them is moving to Aus!

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  2. Maybe its the way for most of us Jen ? Just really upsets me to see the boys so confused as to why they never get invited to their "friends" homes.

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  3. It may be because the friends think they have to invite both of them if they invite one and that might make the friend feel like the left out one (because the twins are a team and will go home together at the end of the date, etc..). I think you would always feel like the extra if the other two out of three were a pair of twins. This is one of the reasons schools like to put twins in different classes if there are two classes in the year group. Would this be possible? Then you have to encourage them to make their own friends. If they have different interests they could maybe go to different activities and you could invite friends from these, telling the mother that even though they are twins they don't both expect to be invited back (and in fact you would prefer it if only the friend-twin is invited).
    I used to go on holiday on my own sometimes rather than with a friend and I made far more new friends when I did because one person is less threatening and more approachable.

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    1. oh bless thank you so much for your reply but I think I might have not made it clear. Its not the twins as a team and then one other friend. They are already both in different classes. The have each made friends with two other boys so there are two groups of three. Hope that makes sense. It is my boys in each group of three that seem to be left out.

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  4. Right I'll try again to comment and not lose it this time..... We have exactly the same problem with Chick. It's a bit of a nightmare and we've invited loads of friends over to the house but Olivia never gets an invite back. She's convinced that no-one likes her and that the Parents hate her but she's polite and well behaved so I've come to the conclusion that people are just frigging weird!!!!!! It sucks but I've also had to put it down to being part of the pain of growing up.....just glad I don't have to go through it all again! Sorry comment wasn't really helpful but I feel your pain :-) Hugs xx

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    1. Oh bless you Em, actually your comment helps more than you know. It shows me that my boys are not alone and that actually lovely children all over the country loose out because they choose friends with weird parents !!!

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  5. Me too! I have one who is never invited anywhere. Heart breaking but I am sure that there are thousands of us. And yes, I am sure I am part of the problem as I am a bit too out spoken to be accepted at the school gate.

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