Saturday, 5 March 2011

It's always there in the back of my mind

Yesterday I wrote a post, published it and then deleted it 10 minutes later for fear of appearing too morbid.    I have been giving it some though today and wondering why it was I didn't want the world to see my words, know my deepest fear, so decided to go with a slightly different version.  I am really interested to know if other older mums (or actually, any parents) have the same fears.

Friday was a pretty good day all in all. I had two of my three boys home sick, but they sat in a rare moment of brotherly love, snuggled up together on the sofa, one 15 yrs and one 6 yrs old.  Watching the discovery channel together and discussing the merits of dinosaurs, meteorites and the evolution of the planet.  It was wonderful to listen to them really talking to each other.  With twins its a rare moment you get to talk without one or the other interrupting or wanting something.  Special time together for these two brothers.

On my way to collect the other twin from school, I pooped into my local charity shop and found one of my most stunning bargain's to date. I was thrilled and so pleased .  A good day.

Onto school to collect 2nd twin, a chestful of stickers for good behaviour, work well done etc, another good day for him too. Special time together on our walk home, just the two of us, special sweets just for him .

Simple things, a rare retreat from money worries and a million other mundane things that occupy my mind, so why do I always have that horrible fear pop into my head. 

I have more life behind me than in front , its a fact. I was a mature mum, 33 with No 1 son and 43 with the twins.  I can't stop wondering how much more of their lives will I see ?  How much time to correct all my mistakes, to do all the things I want to do, to show them how much I love them.


20 comments:

  1. Ah Karen, you are definately not the only Mummy to think this way. I had my first at 16 and it has flown by so fast that I often stop and think, Jeez, when am I going to feel grown up enough to teach them all the wonderful things that I learnt from my parents.
    I get the tug of how much they miss out on, playing outside and all the freedom and natural learning that we had growing up, and on top of that, we seem to be paying bill after bill but achieving nothing.....we dont even own our own home. I feel like life is passing me by so fast and all the things that I dreamed adulthood would be like are so so far from my grasp!
    Funnily enough we were out on our bikes today, riding through the cemetary, and I realised, glancing at all the ages people were when they passed, just how short a time we have on this planet and it puts the fear of God into me every day! I guess we can just make the most of the time that we do have, and then we will live on in them forever! xx

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  2. Hi Zoe,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I totally feel the same way as you especially when you say that the adulthood you dreamed of is so far from your grasp. I often find myself thinking "is this it" and I hate myself for that because I am truly blessed in many ways. But I totally understand now the fear my mother felt when she used to say she hated getting old, I had so much I wanted to achieve in my life and now even a simple thing like a holiday is beyond our means.
    Thank you xx

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  3. Hi Karen

    I did read your post yesterday and i didn't think it was morbid! It was lovely but I did smile when you said you had more years behind than in front as if you do live to 100 ( and it is a definite possibility for our generation even older maybe) then you do have more years ahead than behind still!

    I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I'm 37 and still have no children of my own! One thing I know...it's ok to think these things, recognise them so they don't haunt you but then pull yourself up to full height and dismiss it! Everyone is so much younger than their years now so worry not and enjoy your beautiful kids! as the rest of your post shows off your joy in them :-) xxx

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  4. Hi Teri, Thank you so much for such a positive point of view. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and yes, takes a deep breath and sits up straight xx

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  5. awww you're welcome! this is where blogs can be good for your health and wellbeing! you can share how you're feeling and get support and encouragement from others and even help someone else along the way! xxxx

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  6. Karen I could have written this post. I could write a million things I keep thinking I won't get to see with B that I will with my oldest boys. But then some days I'm more positive. It is hard though isn't it :) x x

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  7. The agony and the ecstacy. From the moment they are conceived the worry begins and never leaves us. This means that we all have to be nice to our mother-in-laws! Be strong and live each day like it was your last. xxx

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  8. I don't think it's morbid at all, surely it's natural that you'd think about how much of your children's lives you will see? Plus, if it makes you stop and recognise the small things that make you smile, then it can only be a good thing :)

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  9. I was driving to the hospital for an appointment, youngest with a friend other one in nursery all day and someone almost went into the back of me. My hubby is away until end of may and it really made me think! Cherish every minute. Even the tough ones. :o)

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  10. Overthehillmum - Thank you swetie, it helps to see confirmation from others and yes it is hard. I think about it all the time, but I am not morbid about it (I hope) Just sad xx

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  11. Claire, thank you for your great comment.Sadly, I have no mother-in-law and although I try, living evey day as if it were my last can get very exhausting : ) xx

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  12. I think we all feel like this at times no matter what our ages. Reading this has made me realise how little I really cheirsh my life. Note to self: enjoy life more. Thank you x

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  13. I think we all get this regardless of age. I worry all the time that I'm letting life slip by without having done or achieved things. Sometimes it really gets me down, and I make myself look at the things that I do have and it pulls me out of the hole. We used to talk about the things that we wanted to achieve and it was always "one day", but when does that day arrive? So I've made a start on my "One day" list and everything else is history.

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  14. I think everyone feels like this I know I do. I fear I will die the same age as my dad and I won't get to know my grandchildren. I just pray I make it to see them as adults anything else is a bonus. Morbid I know but like you said its always at the back of your mind. x

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  15. I think this is why we need to take each day as it comes. I thought my days were numbered last year when I was ill with my epilepsy and I remember publishing morbid posts that I deleted several times. But it's life.

    My husband is 61 now (I'm 41) but it doesn't matter. If I have another 40 years with Amy then I'll be a very happy and very lucky bunny.

    CJ xx

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  16. i think i can see this from both sides. I lost my dad when I was 33 and i can honestly say I miss his wisdom nearly ever day. And I am pretty sure he had no idea how amazingly wise I thought he was, or how much of an impression he has made on my life. Knowing you, just a little bit ;)...I am sure your kids feel the same about you!
    From parents perspective I dont think even if we all lived to two hundred we would ever really think we had taught our kids enough.... its all part of being a good parent I guess XXX

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  17. Thank you all for your very wise and kind comments. Had a scary experience today and made me realise even more how precious our time is.
    Susan and Helen thank you so much for being such amazing friends. I value your support more than you could ever know xx

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  18. CJ, I have been blessed to get to this point in my life without any major illness or trauma (apart from a reversing landrover ! ) didn't do that much damage though. You more than many will understand how precious life is, but then you BELIEVE, so maybe we have more to come ? I hope so xxx

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  19. Forget your age Karen, anything can happen to any one of us at any time. Just try to live your life one dyt at a time and grab it by the balls and enjoy it. That is a lovely photo of you all.

    Mich x

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  20. Thank you Michelle. I love the picture too. How we look, not how I was feeling at the time. xx

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