I've just come home from Jarvis' school assembly where I cried buckets over the lovely song the children sang and the ugly duckling turning into a swan. The theme of the assembly was CHANGE. Maybe the topic triggered the tears or maybe the fact that I finally went to the doctors yesterday after months of discomfort, mood swings & sleepless nights.
The doctor confirmed what I already knew in my heart, I was beginning the menopause! I've known this was the most likely cause of all the horrible sweating, tingling in my hands and chest, uncomfortable palpitations, sleepless nights spent lying awake, one minute boiling so hot I felt I needed to rip all my clothes off, fling open all the windows and catch the slightest breeze to bring some relief from the feeling that I am boiling alive from the inside! The next shivering cold and hauling the covers off my husband to fling them back off again within minutes!
As I sat there discussing the merits of herbal versus HRT, I felt myself screaming inside , its here, how did my life go by so fast, this is the final stage, I'm not ready for this, I am on the downward slope to death! I have six year old twins, this is what happens when you are old, I can't have babies anymore (which is ridiculous because I was sterilised anyway two months after having the twins )! I didn't want any more babies of that I was adamant, but now I have no choice !
It can take from two to five years to complete the menopause, TWO to FIVE YEARS ! of this ! My husband will leave me for sure, I will have no friends ! my boys will hate me.
I am crying now as I type this, I feel such a wreck. I want to be "normal" I don't want to be hot and cross and "tingly (in a bad way) all the bloody time !
Now I have to try and decide which option will give me the most relief, The drug option in the form of HRT or the more costly and scientifically unproven "natural" route taking red clover, black cohash and the like. There are no guarantees either will help ease my symptoms and the HRT option has risks of developing some forms of cancer.
I'm so tired, tired of being uncomfortable, tired of being cross, tired of being tired......