The lovely fellow twin mummy Heather over at Young and younger invited me to take part in the Multiples Mayhem Carnival . I really enjoy my blog but sometimes find it hard to think of something to say that might actually interest other people. After much though I decided to stick with a post I wrote last month and update how I feel today, a month or so later.
Having twins is an amazing time for any parents, but if you are without emotional and practical support and are suffering from severe financial burdons it will really test you. My story (the short version ) is below. I can truly say now with my hand on my heart that I always loved my babies, I just didn't want them at first ! It may feel like life is never going to improve and you only see blackness ahead. It does, truly get better. Although our financial situation is still a nightmare and a daily struggle, my realtionship with my twin son's has improved and blossomed with every day. We still have our moments and life is hard with multiples but I look at them now and pray to god to NEVER take them away from me now.
Thank you for taking the time to read xx
I often read with interest the "tags" people receive via twitter and blogs, but to receive one myself yesterday from the lovely Susan sent me into a flat spin. Write about "who you would put on the naughty step" A few immediately popped into my head - Duncan Bannatyne was way up there (for reasons I won't go into ) as was the new bad boy on the block from Toy Story 3 Lots-O'_Hugging Bear - Already covered and for much the same reasons. So forgive me if this one has been covered too, but I am new to this tagging business.
Who Would I put on the naughty step ?
Well I am afraid the answer has to be ME !
So while I sit here on my step with time to think, I will reflect on how I got here. Just like the twins do when they are sent to sit on the naughty step. Strangly, although they can be a total pain in public and have shown me up on many ocassions, don't listen and generally cause mayhem where ever they go, when sent to the naughty step they seem to understand the point being to sit and reflect. They never attempt to leave and will sit there until told to come off. I can walk past and notice that they really seem to be "thinking" and often comment " I've had a think mummy, I'm sorry, I know why I was naughty, will try to be good" Sometimes my heart breaks.
I'm here because :
The twins birth - C - Section , special care, arguments with husband, with mother, poor aftercare, missing No1 son, regret, pain, panic, denial.
Six months later after my husband's business failed we had to sell our beautiful large home with a view and move back to Exeter, small house, 6 month old twins, 10 yr old, sadness, debt, court, disbelief, failure, weight of responsibility, tiredness, anger, I want my old life back, I don't want this life or these babies (guilt).
And so it has been for over 5 years. Humiliation, anger, frustration, loss of friendship, regret, debt, guilt, struggle, blame, tiredness, sadness, tears, blackness, mountains (huge mountains), hiding.
More recently the light has been slowly coming back, so what if we haven't had a holiday for 7 years ! So what if we never have any money to spend on ourselves. I have a beautiful family, we have our health, life could be much, much worse, and then yesterday - three things happened - I read a blog post entitled "My own victory day " by the wonderful Lottieloves1 , I had a conversation with SusankMann and I received an email from a friend in Florida offering us a place to stay if we could get the air fare ! (some hopes for 5 of us, but you never know!) It wasn't quiet an epithany but it was enough of a kick up the bum to make me take real stock. I did a lot of thinking last night.
So today as I sit on my naughty step thinking about all the things I have felt and said over the last 5 years! The pain I have inflicted, the sadness I have caused to others and it stops now. I realise that I am the lynch pin of this family and my moods, actions etc influence all that my family is. I am taking the doctors advice too and tying the laces of my trainers, I'm off out for my first run in many years, I 'm going to loose the weight I have been moaning about, I am going to cut down on my nighly glasses of wine and above all I am going to start being a proper mummy to my 3 gorgeous boys !
Can I come off the step now please boys ????